Newborn: a vampire love story starring Hayley
by happysad
Summary: A girl named Hayley is torn from her normal life, and cast in the dark world of the vampires. With her new family, the Cullens, she'll find love, anger, and tragedy like she's never known before. Rated M for Sex and Gore.
1. let the flames begin!

Chappy 1

Dear diary:

Hi my name is hayley Pratt (So there so she's not da other hayley!) an I'm a student at forks high in washington dc

my hair is red shoulder length and it has yellow tips and its straight and i have black eyes so dark that

they look sort of brown. My skin is deathly pale. Hayley Williams from Paramour and Amy Lee are my idols, but i look

exactly like hayley williams that's why my parents named me that duuuuuuuuuuuh!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Well anyway just writing because I'm so exited to go to school tomorrow! Im going to try out for all the teems

like boxing team an cheerleader team but not the ches team ew what the fuck no!

hayley

So hayley walked intro the school grounds but she was having a panic attack because ppl get them because when there's alot of people you suffocate, anyway she clutched her she fainted.

After she got up again she ran to the woods on the stairs that are (you've seen da twilight movie, they are those

stairs when Bella and EDward went up to the woods the first time on the part before he shines, ok?)

on top da woods.

Suddenly she spotted someone:

It was Edward cullen an bella swan doing it on the trees!

"OHMYFUCKINGGOD!"

she yeLled but she wAS drawn to watching it ;like flies to a pile of shit.

Bella had a huge butt, all white and' sexy and edward was packin' some serious heat down

there (if you know what I mean!). She watched as they moaned and drooled, but because Edward's a vampire and she's

because she ain't no perv.

"you guys look like monkies"

suddenly edward jumped on meh!

he then put his mouth on my neck an i was having perverted thoughts lol

an then he bit my head.

My brain exploded with fire and passion an ardor!

i passed out an woke up.

.... OHMYFUCKINGGOD... I WAS A VAMPIRE~!


	2. The final RIOT!

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"Cool beans!" I said.

But then a gor-geous man came in. He had a long white coat that like the doctors wear... blonde hair slicked back and a fucking pornstar face. it was Doctor Cullen.

"Hayley my diagnostic is that you are a vampire."

I started to cry bitterly and Carlile tried to comfort me but i told him to fuck off and I ran through the window into the woods (sort of like tha Paramore video for

Decoy). I was running so fast like that bunny from the batteries because i was a vampire. Suddenly I bumped into Victoria!

"Watch where your'e going bitch!" I said horrorfied!

"I'm sorry!" she replied. "Well, I'm mad at the cullens."

"Oh yeah by-the-way me too!" i said and smiled.

then she got an idea.

"I have an idea!" she said! "Why don't u join me and my boyfriend James?"

"ok" i said.

We went to their hiding place. I went there an saw a really hot guy named James, victoria's boyfriend.

"Hi" he said. His voice was so sexy the spot between my legs ( you know what it is i'm not writing it down you sick fucks!!!!!) felt like a fire!

I covered it quickly.

"And there's laurent, the black guy" she said, pointing at a ripped guy who looked just like lil wayne except not really.

Next to him was a girl who looked just like Amy Lee but wasn't her (so don't report da fic because it has real people in it, cus she's fake!).

"Oh by the way that's Amelia Dracula Lee (see so now she's like fictitional)."

'hi guys". i said sadly.

"Well now what?" said Amy.

"I know!" i said."lets go to the mall!"

So we went there an we eat some pizza and went to watch my favorite movie Bring it on all or nothing and then we

went dancing because if you don't do exercise you'll get fat just like da guy from Big Mama's house or like Shellie

(Sorry Shellie but it's true you need to lay off da McDonalds girl!)

I was great at DDR. Suddenly someone came.

It we saw two people... Emmet and esme cullen! and they were screwing each others brains out!

"how rude i said" an threw a hokey stick at them.

they ran away.

Dr. cullen came.

"You ungrateful Hayley!" he looked pissed.

i felt bad so i cried.

"there don't cry! he said. "i know lets go on a date!"

"Oh like okay totally you sexy bitch!"

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	3. Adore

Sorry if the characters are a little out of character just pretend that New Moon and breaking dawn never existed ok?

Um, Shellie you know I love you but you need to lose weight. You're embarrasing in public so yeah.

Thanks for the good reviews. Also, I won't update until I get 3 good reviews.

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I woke up from my red and yellow room (wouldn't that be like totally awesome?

I tired to dye half my hair like that but my pastor said it wasn't cool. Whatevar! If you want to know more things about me visit my profile ok?). Then I remembered I was going to a date with Carlile today! But my mom called me.

"Hayley Jane Pratt get down here this minute!"

Oh crap, I thought to myself. I went down the stairs and almost fell but "I caught myself" (get it?!)

'What the hell do you want?"

My mom studied me looking moron like. She had hair tied up in a bun. It was yellow. She was dressed like the black girl on the aunt gemima pancakes except she wasn't black or anything, she was a Christian.

"Jacob said that yesterday he saw you with a guy that wasn't Alucard."

"That fucking fag!" I screamed in pain. Jacob was the foster kid my parents took in. He used to live in some reservation but it all burned down along with his mom and dad so now he lives with us. He was always hating on me dog! Especially because he wanted in my band Secret Lover. He was gay but they didn't know that.

"Are you cheating on Alucard?"

Alucard is my fiancée. Our marriage was arranged since birth or else if I don't marry him they will take our farm away.

"No mom. Jacob is lying like always."

I made a mental note to fuck his punk ass up.

"Anyway I'm going on a date with this guy later, ok?"

"OK just be careful don't leave your drink unattended and wear a condom."

I was like so embarrassed.

"Ok mom!"

I rushed to my room to get ready. I put some bright red lipstick on and neon yellow eye shadow.

I put on a cute top that was red on the front and yellow on the back and matching skirt. I put a red legging and a yellow one and some long white go go boots because otherwise I'd look like a fucking prostitude, and I wanted to be as classy as possible.

"Konnichiwa bitches!" I said as I flew out of the door (something I could do because I had been turned into a vampire).

I met Carlile at this place called Orange Julius in the mall. We flirted and drank a single smoothie with not one but TWO straws! Then we went to Olive garden. We were eating pasta and suddenly we were eating the same noodle and vwe kissed! We kept making out, and let me tll you, Carlile is an EXCELLENT kisser! Then he took my skirt off and sucked on my "lady cave".. Then he took his pants off and WHOA! He was hung like a horse! Anyway we did the nasty.

He was smacking my laffy taffy when…

Rosalie and Reneesmee burst in the door!


	4. Glitter

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". god!" screamed Rosalie and Renee together!

Rosalie was very beautiful, she looked sort of like Pamela Anderson (not with big boobs you sick fucks!). Her hair was long and she had violet eyes. Renee was her sister, and she had waist length hair, curly and honey blonde, and dark pink eyes. They both had pale skin.

"Hayley, when you do it you do it BIG!"

"Of course, bitch. I can get crunk whenever, wherever!" I said in giggles. Suddenly I remembered I was being penetrated so I told them to go away. Carlile and I flew to my house (because we're vampires duuuuuh! I know it's not in the books but pretend it is ok?). We both lay on my bed and he told me that he wasn't married to Esme anymore since yesterday because Alice predicted she would die of a heart attack (see, so they aren't married anymore). I hugged him.

We made out until I fell asleep.

I woke up and went downstairs.

All the Cullens were there:

Carlile in his tight boxer briefs, Edward and Bella in pajamas, Renesmee and Rosalie and Emmet, and a young girl with short black hair. Her name was Alice.

"Hey guys!"

"HEY GOOD MORNING HAYLEY!" they all chanted together.

I felt right at home. Suddenly two people came in the door:

A pretty emo guy named Jasper and a weird looking girl came in. I got embarrassed because he started staring at my you know what's since I was only wearing a white shirt and red underwear.

"Oh Hayley," said Carlile. "That's jasper. He has X-ray vision."

Now I got pissed because I knew he was trying to see if the carpet matched the drapes.

"OH MY GOD, YOU FUCKING SICK PERVERT!"

I ran pissed to Carlile's room and cried. I felt so sick, like I was being raped.

Everyone except for the culprit came to comfort me.

"Hayley, how do you feel?" Rosalie asked stupidly.

"How the fucking hell you think I feel?!" I asked angrily.

Suddenly something unexpected happened. A red bat came through the window and transformed into Amelia Vlad Dracula Lee.

"Thanks for nothing douche!" she hollered. Then she did a devil chant and a weird penis shaped thing tore out of her stomach! It had a trillion green eyes and four-hundred seventy six teeth!

"Pee-pee, tear THOSE BITCHES APART!"

And it charged towards us.


	5. Hella Gud

A/N: _I write a hell of a good story you haters and queers! Thanks to Shellie and Gigels 4 the support_

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And it charged towards us.

Pee pee tore his path ti write a hell of a good soowards us fucking up everything in his way.

"HELP US!" screamed Bella. Pee pee heard her desperation and attacked her.

It jumped on her leg and savagely tore it off.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD NO!!!" she winced in pain.

Pee pee then started to lick the blood off the floor savagely.

Suddenly I had an idea!

"Pee pee come here you little fucker!"

Pee pee came towards me and humped on my leg. It felt just like a real cock and then he ejaculated all over my dress. It was like fucking gross but I just liked it off and took out my silver gun. It had a silver bullet.

I shot Pee pee in the head. As I poped a cap in his ass I felt my vampire powers increasing.

"NOW IT'S YOUR TURN AMELIA VLAD DRACULA LEE!"

I flew at her and sadistically dug my teeth into her butt. She moaned in excitement. I got turned on, I swear, not that I was a lesbian like Lindsay Lohan. But it tasted good I swear. I sucked on it

And Amelia just moaned in pleasure. Suddenly I sucked all her blood out and she died.

"YAY HAYLEY YOU DID IT!" they said.

Now Carlile came and got on his knee.

"Hayley I love you" he said with an eruption." Will you marry m-"

Suddenly Dracula came in. He was tall and pale with white hair and rubyred squirt eyes.

He looked sort of like Pete wentz. He was hugging Jacob. It had to be that traitor.

"You killed my daughter!" he bellowed angrily. "Now I'll kill you!"

But suddenly I prayed to god and he sent a light of goodness and destroyed the evil Dracula.

"Oh no his powers are going to be transferred to her!" screamed Jacob.

I felt the power invade my whole being!

It was almost as good as an orgasm.

Then a girl vulture came in. She was pale as a motherfucker and looked like Gwen Stefani, but her name was really Gwin Stafeni.

"Hayley you are the most powerful vampire in the world so I want you to

Join the volturi". She said sweetly. It sounded hot. I think I just turned bi.

"Well what if I don't fucking want to?!" I screamed. Everyone held their breath as Gwin responded menacingly but also super sexy.

"Then I'll kill all the Cullens you sexy as hell bitch!"


	6. fences

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I followed sadly. As I left the room everyone sadly cried and waved good-bye. "Remind me to get better friends" I told Gwin loudly.

Suddenly Carlile was bowing down to Gwin Stafeni.

"Please don't take my Hayleyball away!" he pleaded with tears in his eyes.

"It was never my intention to brag, to steal it all away from you now (get it? GO PARAMORE!)" she said all mean and bitchy.

Stupid tramp ass, slutty ass, cheetah ass, bitch ass tramp.

"If you could then you know you would, 'cause god it just feels so…it just feels so good." I said very sadly.

Then We left and I got into Gwin's catillac. She had a popcorn maker in the back so I made some and ate it but replaced the butter with blood because that's what vampires have to do (I read the books ok? Vampires eat blood duuuuuh!)

"What do you guys want from me?" I asked.

"Well we need you to help us kill another one of the most powerful vampires in the world." Gwin said wisely.

"I'm game, sexy." I said enthusiastically.

"Well, the vampire that we are hunting is named Lacey Massly ( see so she isn't the real thing so DON'T REPORT MY FIC!!!!) she plays in a Satanist cover band called The Flying Leafs. They cover that Satanist crappy band Flyleaf."

"Oh god, I HATE that band!" I said disgustedly. They are the suckiest band ever and they don't help their fans when they're suicidal like when I called them with their Myspace phone number.

"So… what do I do?"

"You are to go to their concert and have a battle of the bands." Gwin said."But be careful; the Goths there are Satanists so they are probably all demonic and shit."

"Kay bitch." I said.

"But first… SHOPPING SPREE!" we both cheered and laughed.

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We went to the Gucci store. Since there were a lot of Satanists there I had to buy some gothic clothes. I tried this cool, long black dress. It was lined with red ribbon and had some cool skulls on it. On the boobs it said "FUCKING BITCH" it was really empowering I felt like a million dollar prostitude. I put on black lipstick and eyeshadow. My hair looked exactly like Hayley's in the crushcrushcrush video.

"Let's go, then!" Gwin said, looking pretty satanic herself.

We got to the goth club. suddenly as Gwin and I entered heads turned.

"WHO ARE THOSE HOT CLITS?" asked some girls, clearly jelous.

"People say the red haired girls' band rocks!" said some hot bald dude. I grabbed his package as I passed by.

Suddenly, the club's manager Aro came in. He looked exactly like Aro in the book. He looked at Gwin's rack. Then he looked at me with some creepy

lovey dovey eyes.

"Is this her?" he asked.

"Fuck yeah," I said flirting."I'm all seductive for ya, papi." My seductiveness was as good as ever because I noticed he got stiff on his you know what.

"Good." he said smiling. "Group hug!"

He grabbed both Gwin and I and felt us up down there. I was so horny because virgins are horny and I'm a virgin, and Gwin Stafeni and I started grinding up on him

like some black hoodrats. He moaned in pleasure as his thing throbbed.

"I hope you win Hayley." nhe said while moaning. "Because the sucky ass loser, hopefully not you, will be sacrificed to SATAN!!!"

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Hope you like it!


	7. Born for this

"OH MY GOD!"

Just then an ugly ass bitch ugly black hair and druggy eyes walked onstage. She was wearing like the ugliest outfit ever because she was poor and ugly as a monkey's ass, and she looked like she came out of the wizard of Oz, like she was a half munchkin half-flying monkey uber loser geek tramp slut bitch ass ho.

It had to be Lacey Massley. Then a long haired guy (who looked hot, except because he was a Satanist goth), another Indian terrorist, and some other faggot walked up.

A girl who looked exactly like Jessica Simpson announced "The battle of the bands presents THE FLYING LEAFS!"

Everyone booed. They even threw a bottle of piss. The Indian guy, who probably thought it was a drink, well, because that's what they usually drink in India, chased after it. The flying leafs started playing a song called "I love dick" (thanks shellie for the idea). I got so mad that these Satanists were there that I clutched my crucifix and suddenly the microphone in which Lacey was singing grew into a snake and started strangling her.

"Who- the Fuck-IS-doing-tHIS?" she asked all satanically.

But it was too late because a giant pole pulled her offstage.

"Wow that band fucking sucks" said the announcer." Next, the only band that gives me a hard-on, SECRET LOVER!"

I blushed, because I'm really really shy and Gwin and I flew onstage (something only the good vampires can do) and picked up our instruments.

"ONE… 2… 3… GO!"

We started playing a song that I really like called "Halleluyah". Suddenly all the Satanists started smiling. A white light filled the place and their black clothes turned to white. Their make up fell and then I knew that with my power I had saved them.

"Well, it's official" said Aro, still looking at my boobs. " We are going to sacrifice Lacey!"

So they tied her up. Suddenly, she bursts into flames. She laughed maniacally and tore the floor open from the bottom.

"YOU CAN"T KILL ME YOU FUCKING LOSERS" she said "BECAUSE I'M THE EXORCIST!"

And then a bunch of smoke came out and she disappeared. IN the smoke.

"Wow…" Gwin said. Just then, Carlile, Bella, Edward, Rosalie, and Reneesmee broke through. Carlile and I frenched like donkeys on mating season. He pulled up my skirt and put his fingers in my lady cave. I groaned and took off my dress. He unbuckled his pants and put his huge veiny donkey sized thing (because donkeys have big things, I saw it on discovery channel NOT like I'm into bestiality you fags!) inside me. His eel liked to hide in my lady cave like Mameha says on Memories of a Geisha.

"OOOH yeah!" he said, then he twisted my nipples.

I twisted his pierced nipples back.

But then I looked around and saw that we hadn't noticed that the people in the audience were watching. Even the girls got horny. Then I noticed that we were naked so we run away.

"Wow Hayley," bella said. " We were outside hearing and you sound JUST like Hayley Williams except a whole lot better!"

"kiss-ass" I called her wisely.

"What's over there?" renee said, pointing at a red bright card that was enveloped in flames.

Carlile picked it up and said it looked like an address.

"It looks like an address," he said, and read it. "It says

666,

devil's highway,

Hawaii Hawaii."


	8. My Hero

We both sat on the beach with Carlile. Edward had lent us his volvo so we could all drive to Hawaii.

But first, we needed some relaxing.

I was wearing a blue stripped miniskirt and a white an blue bikini. Carlile said he loved my small breasts.

Carlisle was wearing nothing but some short trunks that were white. I rubbed my hand over his muscles and started flirting.

"How did Esme die?" i asked almost crying.

"She went well" he said, stroking himself " she had been constipated until her heart finally gave out" Esme had died during my concert. R.I.P. Esme!

and as he said that a tear came down his perfect face that sparkled like a million diamonds.

"Don't worry" i said wiping them away "I will never die because I love you"

and then he bit my neck (and that was safe because i was a vampire anyway so i can't die).

"Where is everyone else?" I asked.

"Well they went to wal-mart. You wanna go?"

"Of course I said". "I buy all my clothes from there".

And i hopped on his back and he sprinted there.

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Rosalie and jasper came back to and met us there. They felt like, so bad for not saving me.

"I'm so sorry hayley when i didn't defend you, but you could kick her bitch ass anyway".

I shook my head "It's okay, I forgive you." and then i stroked her long blonde hair.

Jasper just stood there watching some black people pass by with hatred because he was a racist from the south; he hated niggers.

He also hated Obama and voted for McCain.

"Sorry hayley". he said still eyeing the niggers. " I think you're very pretty an kind for forgiving us".

"I get that all the time, dog!" I said.

"will you go out with me?" he asked anxiously.

"Anyway" i said, taking all the attention off from me " the paper says that the address is a abandoned church were the pope used to live. i bet if we go there we will find Lacey."

So Carlile and I went because we were the strongest and smartest ones out of all the gang or whatever its called.

We found the church, a small brown and black and orange church. Carlile tried pushing the door open but it wouldn't budge, so I tried but I was too strong and broke it down.

"oops" i said with a comical voice.

"That darn hayley" said Carlile, clearly turned on.

"That's what they call me!"

( A/N: Vampires can have laughs too!)

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Well we went in and it was dark and there were spider webs and cobwebs and stuff. Carlile had a confession.

"Hayley... when we had sex, we didn't use a condom so..." he trailed off seductively. "I'm pregnant."

I was excited. "But you're a guy!"

"I know" he replied wisely. "But it works different with vampires."

But just then I saw someone lying on the ground in a white sheet covered in blood, but eating its organs was Lacey covered in bile.

"You evil demon lover I'll fucking kill you!!!!!!" i shouted in rage. I prayed to god for that bitch to die but he was mad at me for fornication and he only scratched her.

"Aaaargh" she screamed. Lacey Massley was falling into a pit of fire when....


	9. Decode

A/N: Stop flaming! God says it's bad karma! It's in the bible!

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...When out of the pit of fire a pile of demon arms came out and they pulled her down and than she said.

"Hayley, you better sleep with your eyes open" ( I swear I did'nt steal that off Hannah Montana!) and then she died sort of, well no she just fell in the hole.

"You slutty bitch! I'll get you!"

But then Carlile started to fall in pain clutching his stomach.

"The baby's on da way!!!" he screamed as his water broke.

"Oh my" I thought. I called Emmet (he knows about childbirth) and he came but it was too late and Carlile had an abortion. We both wept when we had to burn the corpse but it was hole in a church so god helped us and the baby went to heaven.

"I... he died...and it was all my fault" i wept dramatically. Carlile put a hand on my skinny shoulder and said. "No, it was my fault the baby died because I wasn't able to have it"

And i felt better then, so I smiled.

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That night we spent at the church I looked around the place sort of like in the DECODE (I spelled that right) video.

I had a black top and booty shorts and flip-flops, but i wasn't cold because vampires are hardcore like that.

Everyone except for Esme was there (Esme died). Bella and Edward were playing tetris and Jasper and Rosalie and Emmet made Smores around the fire I had made from my telekinesis. Rosalie was just looking at me and Carlile lie next to each other because she was a tramp-licious cheetoh and no one wanted her sorry ass.

"Carlile, I'm so sorry of what happened today" I said in promise.

"It's fine Bella" he assured ."Maybe when Lacey doesn't try to make the devil rise again we will have another baby".

"Okay" I said, and we frenched romantically until I fell asleep.

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The next day we looked in the hole that Lacey had left where the demons had pulled her in. There was a portal there and it was flaming red like my hair, except more intense. Everyone but Rosalie and I were there by ourselves, and she was eyeing me like the slutty cunt she was, that dumb fuck.

"Oh my god, Hayley!" she yelped. "You dropped your purse in the hole!" she shrieked.

"Really?" I asked concerned, looking in the hole.

"No! Die you bitch! I'm possessed by Lacey!" she said in a mean fashion. "And this tattoo I have of a red leaf on my chest is how she can possess people. But enough about that!" she said and, pushing me into a hole. I screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAahhh"

After what seemed like eternity, I landed on my fine ass in the darkness.


	10. We belong 2gether

I wandered alone like a tic in a dog until i heard demons yell my name.

"Hayle-eeeeeey"

I hit them in the groin and ran away, but there were more and more each step i took.

and then a sacred light fell and jesus came down. He was tan and had long silver hair and his face looked just like johnny depp. He was ripped and you could see he had a big package under his skirt but then i blushed because it's not right about thinkind to wanting to fuck jesus.

"Hayley. you are in hell"

"I know lord" i said reaching for his arms like towers (just like in that paramore song!!!)

"WELL IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT IT'S THAT STUPID CUNT LACEY, SHE MADE THE HOLE" he ushered pissed.

He descended and hugged me tightly. I could feel jesus' bulge get tighter so i slapped some sense into him.

"I'm sory I can't help feeling this good. You're beautiful" he apologized.

"It's okay, I guess..." i said in a biter tone."

"Well anyway I want to give up these weapons to stop lacey from controlling other people" with that said he gave me these stamps.  
I had to stamp them on the chest of people who Lacey possessed. They were cool shaped like crosses and they said "Hayley".

"Cool beans!" i said to him.

"And now I'll give you wings because you're going to save the earth" And a pair of swan wings ( get it? SWAN?) grew out of my back and i flew out of the hole and into the church.

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This heart, it beats, beats for only you My heart is yours This heart, it beats, beats for only you My heart is yours (My heart, it beats for you)  
This heart, it beats, beats for only you My heart is yours This heart, it beats, beats for only you My heart My heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)  
My heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)  
My heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)  
My heart is...

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I woke up in the Cullens' clan manor. But now they had painted it red an yellow and it was all like that, even the furniture and it made me pleased because it was Carlile's idea.

"Yo, I'm back!" i said like a heroine.

"YAAAAAAAAY!!!" screamed Bella, jasper, rosalie, emmett, jacob, billy , charlie, jacob, and carlile.

"I know what I have to do." i said. They noded because they had a holy premonition of what had happened.

"Okay, but first" carlisle said hugging me tighter and tighter" You wanna go out on a date?"

"Fuck yeah!" i yelled.

I went to my room at the very top. It was a heavenly white and adorned with pearls, the ones that come from clams.

But then I took my clothes off and the closet door broke open.

"Hey there" said Jasper. He was wearing nothing but tattoos and I could see he had a huge cock and I drooled but only for a lil' bit.

"What do you want?"

I asked severely.

"What I always wanted from you" and he tied me up with a long rope. 


	11. my heart

Suddenly Carlile bursts in the door. I sent him an instant message from my head, telling him to delay Jasper.

"Wow, let's make it a hot threesum!" said Jasper all seductive. He grabbed Carlile and took off his pants. His eyes got all big when he saw Carlile's big organ.

He started drooling.

"Put it in me like an animal". He said, drooling in horniness. I nodded to Carlile, so he started pushing it in his butt.

"Oh yes, oh YES!!!" Jasper screamed like a little bitch. They got all sweaty. Suddenly I found the special tools. I let Jasper suck my clit

so he would be distracted so I searched for the tattoo.

"There it is!" Carlile shrieked. He pointed on Jasper's neck. We both cummed and got weakened.

"NOOOOW!"

So I pressed the ring on him. Jasper blacked out.

"Now, let's go on our date." Carlile said wisely.

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I was very pressured by the people who would ask me if there was going to be a wedding between carlile and I.

Of course I said "I'll think on it" but I don't know...  
now it was too much.

I started getting suicidal again, cutting my writst again. I dyed my hair raven black and dyed all my clothes black because I turned emo.

I walked emoly towards the woods when I heard someone play guitar.

I hid behind a tree and then I saw it was Josh Fargo, my bandmate of Secret Lover. He looked exactly like Josh Farro from my favorite band Paramore.  
I bit him and he bcame a vramopire.

"Hey" he said seductively.

"hey joshi." I said sadistically.

"what's wrong? You're very goth" he said.

"I can feel the pressure! It's getting closer now!!!" I said and kicked my foot in the ground.

"HAYLEE YOU'RE OUTTA CONTROL!!" he yelled at me. I then had a breakdown!

"I'm sorry joshy" I said crying glittery vampire terars. "I just can't take it.  
I love Carlile but I don't wanna marry him at this moment". And then I passed out, because my writsts bled too much.

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I woke up in the tour bus with Joshy licking my torn cuffs. They hurt so I said "Ouch".

"Ouch" I said.

Josh looked up an smiled because he thinks that i'm superfunny.

"Gee Hayley, you crack me up".

"I'm not Hayley" I say. "my name is Demi".

Josh slaped me and I got back to my senses. He then put his hand on my boobs quietly.

"Hayley no one can be you. You are too perfect to be like anyone else in the world".

An then he kissed me. I was in much shock, but I think Josh was sexy anyway because I wrote

a song for himI kept kissing him until Alice came in da door.

"Hayley something happened!" she said with a flushed look." Emmett and Rosalie were killed off in a car crash!  
It was that stupid bitch anal-fuck Lacey!"

"That slutacious cheeto!" I swore and my eyes were now tinted with rage.

So I was angry and totally not an emo anymore so I went to the hair salon and got a makeover first before going to see what was up.  
I looked like in Paramore's crushcrushcrush video except for my clothes.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

So I was back and I felt hapy as I cluthed my crucifix

I saw someone lying on the ground. It was Bella! Her brains were blown out an she had a quizzical expression on her face, which was also full of blood.

"Oh My Fucking God!" I asked. "Bella are you allright?"

"now that you're here I am" she stammered weakly. "pray for me."

I prayed to god an she was revitilized and all the dead people that died were back to life.

"thanks for saving us Hayley!!!" they all cheered for me and Emmett handed me a beer.

"I just am faithfull to the lord and he loves me"

But then a cloud of ashes came down and burst into flame. It was... LACEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She started singing a song and the devil devil was a girl and she was red and looked like Angelina jolie. She then grabed carlile's heel  
and dragged him to hell.

"You bastard" I yelled and god tried to kill the devil but he couldn't because the devil ran away.

"carlile is in hell now and it's all my fault" I said crying.

"no, it's not' said esme "You did all you could. He wasn't fast enough"

"fine" I said and it felt better because it was the truth.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I snuck away and went in the ashy hole that was in the church.

I had to get carlile back or else I think I couldn't live any longer.

I jumped in the hole and felt like jesus protected me as I fell in the hole.


	12. miracle

It was hotter than i remembered. Anyway, I saw all of the Cullens in a bamboo cage. outside of it these little horned demons were poking them with yard long cigarettes.

Alice and Emmet were scared holding on to each other. Esme and Carlile were both trying to calm down everyone. Edward's corpse was already burnt into ashes and Bella was being simmered in a pot.

"Hey, it's Bella!" cried Alice. "Bella, help us!"

I looked at them too respectfully.

"What do you want from them?" I asked the devil. She smiled like a pedo and then grabbed my body.

"For me to let them go you have to be my girlfriend!!!" she said and laughed in an evil fashion.

"Well" I looked at the miserable vampires. "I'll do what I can".

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I spent my days in hell thinking about Carlile. I was so sad and miserable I started cutting my wrists again. I cried alot because the devil would rape me at night everyday, every week.

her sweet tentacles would almost strangle me.

Well, I was so sad and cut my wrists up until I dreamt something...

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I was in a sort of meadow like the one in the Twilight movie where Bella and Edward meet. Well anyway, Suddenly I felt something wet and it was my boyfriend Carlile.

as he fingered me he said calmly

"Hayley... you have to believe in the lord only he'll get you outta here"

I whimpered because it was soooo good.

"but i thought he was too busy "upstairs"."

Carlile smiled while inserting his tongue in me "Not if he's in your heart".

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I woke up crying holy tears. If i believed in the lord then I could be free.

I looked in my empty heart and saw a picture of the virgin and baby Jesus... and then I felt my heart all warm and gooey sort of like when you pee.

And then the devil screamed.

She was turned into a bloody mess by the holy spirit. The holy spirit touched me and brought me to the surface.

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I woke up and Carlile was next to me.

"Hey honey. Thanks for everything" he said and kissed me.

"Was I dreaming?" I asked all confused.

"No. You did save us from the devil." he said snorting. " everyone is grateful".

"It was nothing." I said.

And then we held each other in our perfect piece of forever.

(not the end fans, dun worry)


	13. when it rains

That day Carlile proposed to me. He took out a big red and yellow ring from a box. The ring was a gold and ruby band and it said RIOT! on it (that's my favorite album EVER!). Then he got on one knee an asked me.

"Hayleyball, will you be my wife?"

I started to cry love tears.

"Of course, you big boo!"

And then I hugged him so tight that he couldn't take a breathe of air.

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When we got back to the Cullens' house, everyone knew what had happened because Rosalie told them because she had visions (A/N: remember? If you don't then you're not a REAL fan).

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Alice (even though she's a slutty cheetah) she said she'd help me pick my dress. Bella and Esme came too because, well they already had weddings. We went to Victoria's (get it? Like in the first book?) secret and saw the wedding dresses.

"Oh, My,God, this is perfect for you!" shrieked Bella. It was this long white dress.

"Eh, no Bella" I said, shrinking my nose. "It sucks ass"

"Um... no let's go to the red and yellow store!" I said excitedly.

I went to my favorite store, the "Red and Yellow store". There I found the wedding dress of my dreams. It was a long tube dress. half of it was yellow and the other half was red. It had long slits at the sides that reached my thigh. It also had a big bow on the butt and on the BOOBS and it was red.

"Oh My Fucking God!" yelled Bella. "it's fucking awesome!" she began doing a tap dance because she was so happy for me.

We just laughed at her stupid ass.

"Wow Hayley come look!" Esme squealed. i went to see an there was a big yellow veil that was all poofy and pretty. i was like "Wow!"

"Wow!" I sad speechless.

"Well, let's buy it!" I said all giddy.

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The wedding was red and yellow themed. Everyone had to wear yellow and red. I was eating the cake when a stupid cunt motherfucker faggot appeared:

A vampire named Muerte. Muerte was a fucking bastard. he was also satanist like Lacey. He was tall and muscular and had a tattoo of an eye on his bald head. He was only wearing a thong. Anyway he was pretty jealous of me, like everyone who hated me.

"What are you doing here?" i asked angrily. He just smiled seductively.

"I have come in regards to Lacey." he said evily. "She wanted me to ruin your wedding."

It was so like Lacey. She would ruin my happiness at every chance possible.

"Oh my god you are not!" I screamed. "Why do you do this?" I said in sparkly vampire tears.

"Because…" he looked sad. "Because I LOVE HER!"

and everyone looked at him.


	14. silver BELL

Okay, so I am revealing stuff about Hayley's past. It's very sad but you'll probably like it!

Thanks to Shellie (I'll put you in the next chapter ok?) and Gigels!

Don't flame!

_______________________________________

So everyone gasped at his confession. Emmett looked at him like the bug that he was. Rosalie started to get animal like and Edward whistled lightly. Bella tried tap dancing to distract everyone but she only looked like an idiot.

"Leave hayley alone!" said Esme. Her new boyfriend Isha Black snarled his werewolf snarl thingy.

"Yeah you sick perv!" I said. Then I had a flashback.........

(viewer discretion advised).

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When I was around 6 years old I met Muerte. My family and I lived in teneesee, so did his family. they were staying at our house because their house's water pipes got froze in winter so they could'nt take a bath. Well anyway I was his friend and so one day when he was sad he axed me. "teneesee (my nickname) would u do anything 2 make me happy?"

"Yea" I said glumly.

"Would you let me touch you?" he asked.

"suuuure..." i said nervously.

and he touched me like the kind of that you get sent to jail. Then he raped me with the wide end of a baseball bat.

Sure, it felt good but it was still rape

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my eyes teared up. tears of blackness started to pour down my pale face.

finally Carlile came an hugged me.

"Are you okay, baby?" he asked concentrated, stroking my boobs. i whimpered.

"Yea." but I was lying.

"Get outta here you homo!!!" Carlile said to Muerte angrily. He snarled so sexy that it turned me on.

"Well, this isn't the last of me at ALL" and then he laughed in my face. He teleported away.

"Well, lets get this thing done!" i said cheerily!

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"Carlile Nazareth Green Cullen, do you accept Hayley Jane Pratt Teneesee as your wife for all of eternity?"

"Yes" he said to the pope.

"and Hayley..."

"Fuck yea" i said with a smirk.

"Then I pronounce you husband and bitch" (he cursed because he was ghetto.) He said rubbing his fat belly. "You too may french or whatever"

And, well Carlile and I frenched passively. He put his hand in my slits of my dress and fingered me there. The crowd just cheered as I moaned like a little bitch (which i am, by-the-way laugh-out-loud!!!).

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We flew on a plane to Puerto Rico because it's real beautiful. Carlile slept on the plane. I was dozing off…

when i heard a crash!

"everyone this is a holdup!!!" said a guy with a beard.

.... IT was... VAMPIRE TERORISTS!!!

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	15. Decoy

if u like this story youll like this one i wrote!

.net/s/4609572/1/Paramour_of_drakness_MC_Bellas_Im_lovin_it

Well fans there's a new character!  
She's going 2 be on for awhile so I hope you like her!

BTW, Esme is alive you dunderheads read the previous chapter Hayley revived her ok?!

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The terrorists told us to like put your legs in the air.

"put your legs in the air!" yelled a guy wearing a taliban. i think that he was a terrorist because he had a long black gun. he also had a long beard and clothes like drapes, but grey.

anyway he pointed t egun at me.

"You bitch go get the money from the safe on the back of the plane." he said and then in a strange language. "saki laka sama lai!"

i think it meant "hurry your ass up!" or something....

anyway, i was really fearful of guns so i like rushed to the back of the plane and stuff. i kicked the safe open an brought the money out.

i took it to the terorists and they said "lashimakalalamaikik!" which is something in terorists language.

But then jesus appeared again. this time he was naked and wearing nothing. his wounds were bleeding and stuff. he handed me a spear and said in my ear in a whisper "yoU know what to do".

I lunged an threw the spear and it hit the 3 terrorists. everyone clapped. suddenly the captain said:

"You are to be arrested for helping the terrorists!!!!"

and Carlile and i were handcuffed.

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i was in a cell in dubai prison camp. it was a cell and it stunk like skunk pee. I was sentanced to death. of course they knew i was a vampire because i started to shine like a milion diamonds.  
Of course there was a bail... of one gagillion dollarz!!!!!!

"I'm stuck here forever & ever!" i sobbed into my lap.

suddenly i heard the iron door bust open! I looked among the dust and stuff... it was a VAMPIRE!!!

(A/N: Shellie's character!)

"Who are you? Why are you here?" I asked incredully.

She sighed an threw her long, neon green hair with purple bangs and pink tips behind her shoulder.  
She looked like a vampire version of Katy Perry, except not tan but white duuuh!

"I'm with the vulturi" she said. " i killed the guards outside. i made them drink acid".

"Cool" i said. suddenly she seemed sexier than she already was. "Why are you here?" i asked mortified.

"well the voltori said that you could be allowed to live if you and carlile join them" she said with a grin. she grinned.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!~" i exclaImed! "of cOurse i'd love TO bE a voltori!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"well then let's blow this joint motherfuckar!"

Then she looked at me with her neon green eyes, which looked like emeralds. "By the way, my name's Heavenly."  
It fit because she was just so "heavenly"(get it? just like her name lol) pretty!

We got carlile and saved him from getting gang raped (because he's so hot that's what they do to pretty guys in prision!) and then we left to italy.

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well we went to the voltori castle. it was a big grey house with towers and really cool stuff. well we went an changed into cool robes (they made some red and yellow robes for me. Carlile had completely gold robes that glittered and Heavenly was wearing cuttoff robes what a whore ).  
then we went to the big room where bella and edward went in eclipse but its not the book so we did'nt really go there, it's just the same room.

"Carile and hayley Jamie-cullen, you two guys have been chosen to be in the VOLTORI THINGY." said them.

"I accept" both carlile and i agreed.

Carol bowed his head to us.

"Your first assignment is your most critical one"....

"You two will acompany Heavenly to kill...

that motherfucker faggot Jacob Black!"

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By the way I'm starting to write it just like broken dawn and the next couple of chaps will be in Heavenly's point of view.  
shes a really good and cool character with a sad story so find out what it is!


	16. book 2: Heavenly

This ones specially for Gigels love ya!

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Heavenly's heart pounded in her sexy lil' bod.

Somehow she felt like luck hit her like a ton of bricks only that it's a metaphor so they didn't.  
This Hayley girl was just soooo pretty and sooo hot that her thingy felt like it was being scratched by a hot poker (she is NOT a lesbo.  
She felt somehow connected as if they were sisters "but that's impossible" heavenly said to herself.

Heavenly Demetria Pruit. smile.  
She had been raised by her grandma who was a vulturi but she had a sister who was lost at sea one say when she fell off the boat. Then her grandma died and she was left on the street where she was brutally raped by the cops and hobos, then she joined the army and coverted this guy named James iunto a vampire. Then he left her and she got depressed that's why she was always so silent, because she was afraid of opening up (isn't that sad?)"She and bella couldn't be their names were different! Anyway the vulturi had kicked her ass out so they could talk with Hayley and the super hottie Carlile.  
She was sitting on a bench when she heard a scream outside! She flew out from a window and looked.

There was a super hot guy, with white skin and cooper hair. It was Edward cullen!

"Are you okay?" she asked him. He was bleeding and she was having a hard time not thinking about the super delicious blood (or fucking him lol!).

"Wow you're really pretty... I, er, mean thanks" said Edward with a smile. "By the way, are you an angel?" he asked.

Heavenly was baffeled. "Um... not that I know haha!" People always liked that she was funny.

"OK, then you and I have a date tonight sweetcheeks!" and he poked her butt.

She pretended her hand fell on his pants area. "Fine, you sexy bitch!"

-  
Hayley's Point of view -------------------

But before they could turn us into vampires, Caro and Aro and jane (a stupid bitch girl who looked like a vampire version of Miley cyrus) asked us to

"Have sex with us"

"Okay!" carlile said. They knew him from long ago. He was actually gay before and he and Aro had gone out. Aro used to pound him really good (I have telepathy so I could read his memories) it looked so hot! But then Aro dumped him for Jane and Carlile turned into a catholic so I was okay because he was just so hot that my body wanted to fuck him for all eternity because we're vampires(sort of likebella in the book).

Anyway, Carlile and I took our clothes off and started to do it on the ass like sexy dogs.  
Jane came and sucked me down there with her tongue. Just then Bella came in, and Rosalie and Esme too.

"Hayley just dropping by to say h-OH MY GOD THAT'S HOT!"

Carlile got so embarrased cus he was naked that he ran away. I sense danger in my mind but it's probably cus I was in my period.

"Come get me" I told the girls. They did and Esme took off her dress and started to suck on my boobs so hard that milk came out. "ooooooh" i groaned, because her nipple was pierced and it felt like a margarita. Bella and rosalie fingered each other with their 6 inch manicured stuck my whole hand in her wet vagina. Then we scissored up and down and all arund (it rhymes!). "Oooh god not even jasper's this good hayley"  
rosalie said as i frenched her. Bella joined in and we scissored. "OOOh GOD!!!"

Just then we stopped tired. "See ya bitches!" I said as i went to my red room in the vulturi V.I.P. tower. It was so glam! I was glad they liked paramore because they put their posters

on the walls.

Then I heard little sounds that sounded hot so I burst in the door.

"YOU FUCKING GAY FAGGOTS!"

Jacob and Carlile were having sex together!


	17. Hayley discoveres a terrible thing!

merry x-mas! Paramore rules!

I don't need a beta when Shels can help me!

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"whoa wat the fuck?" said carlile.

jecob realized i was there too and got a perverted look on his face when he saw the perverted look on MY face lol

"Yo Hayles!" (he has a nikname for hayley just like for bella read the books!) he said talking in his cool gangsta slang. "you wanna come chill with the big guys?  
lick some lollipop?" he said as he got up. he was hung like a donkey.

"As much as I'd like to go to the candyshop i have more important things than watching you cheat on me!"

I got all sensive and ran out of the room but first I changed into a long black dress with red heels.  
I also got my hair cut just like Hayley in the twilight premiere. Oh and I feel down because I'm really clumsy (does that sound like a mary sue?).

I ran out of the room stomach rumbled because I was hungry. I looked around the para-hall (get it? LOL) and saw a cool vending machine. I got some ice cream with blood swirl especially for vampires. As i ate it suddenly the machine started to glow and shake. Then it turned into James!!!

"Wow!" i said. james loved pulling pranks. Although he's shy and very missunderstood.

"Yeah? so?" he said very rude because i hurted his feelings.

"Shut up okay?" i said, my hair turned white and my whole skin turned red and i grew bat wings.  
"Don't you EVER talk to me like that!!! It hurts..."

And then i fainted and closed my eyes.

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I woke up in this weird room. there was alot of purple stuff and blue, there even was a big disco ball!

"I must be at James' house..."

Then James came in carrying a tray with tea. He was only wearing a cut off pair of pants and looked very attractive.  
I noticed a drop of sweat rolling down his chest to his pants. I got hard.

"Hayley, are you all right?" he asked stupidly.

"What the hell do you think you fag!" I shouted back. God, people can be so stupid. "Carlile was cheating on me.  
with a werewolf!"

James dropped the tea and it splattered across the walls.

"God...."

"What?" I asked giggling.

A pained expression cut accross his sexy face. "When vampires and werewolves have sex, they trade blood and if carlile got werewolf blood in return he could...

turn into a blood giving vampire werewolf!"

Oh-em-gee! 


	18. RIOT!

A/n: Don't call shellie a fat bitch you fucking idiots she has problems and she copes with eating!!!

Oh yea by the way I downloaded that song My Immortal and its so sad I was moved to tears.  
Thanks for the compliments i really love tha lyrics.

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-Carlile's point of view-

Okay, so my name's carlile nazareth cullen. I'm a tall guy with blonde hair and skin as pale as chalk that glitters like a million diamonds in the sun (see I read the books haters!) so I don't like going out.  
You could say that I'm pretty smart, I always got A's in favorite movies are crossroads and glitter (A/n: I love you MC!!!!) I'm also very beautiful. I have a huge ding dong.  
I once won a contest on the most beautiful vampire contest and I won an xbox. Anyway,i had just fucked Jacob.

"So, Carl" he said, putting his garter back on "I think that this here plan to get Hayley out of harm's way will work MAN!"

Jacob's a fag. You would think faggots were stupid but he was making sense, unlike most faggots.  
I used to be gay but i was fixed with shock theraphy and I'm a bit bisexual.

"Yeah." I said. Truth was I only had mind blowing sex with jacon to distract Hayley.  
It's because I had a mark of lacey that she put on my v muscles so she could possess me.

"but I... I just wish I could tell her the truth, that she could DECODE my thoughts(that's basically like telepathy)" My eyes got all stingy and watery.

"Well, tough luck man" Jacob said as he was picking up his shorts. "I hope that everything goes well for you."

He put his hand on mine And he left, after kissing my flaming hot lips.

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-Hayley's point of view-

"Oh em gee!" I exclaimed! I fucking detest werewolves unless they're cute (A/n: Taylor Lautner FUCK ME!!! j/k) "James do you know how to fix this?"

James looked at me with his puppy eyes all sad. A single tear rolled down his face.

"I... dunno!You pressure me so much, ALL YOU PEOPLE"  
and he ran away from the room and shut himself inside. I thought he needed cheering up (because he's extremely sensitive)  
so I put on maddona's song Give it 2 me and he came out.

"Oh my god!" he cried while dancing exactly like madonna. "Hayley i think i know what to do!"

My eyes lit up with fierceness, just like tyra banks would say (LOL).I noticed that James was covered in white stuff.

"It's because I'm addicted to masturbation" he assured me. Suddenly we were dancing TOO close.

"Um... James what was the plan?" I asked trying to get him to stop unzipping my pants.

"Oh yes." he blushed. We went to drink some monster drinks."We have to kill Alice."

"WHAT?!" i asked as sexy vampire tears glittered down my pretty face. I saw edward getting a boner over it (he was spying at us FROM THE WINDOW.  
I told him to cum inside.

"Yes bella it's the only way." james said. I saw sadness in his eyes because he had dated her before but she killed his goldfish so he felt empty.  
"but billy black put up a forcefield over her because they are dating so, like what do we do!!!???"

I thought. It was like rock science. in order for the rocket to fly we needed...

"LO TENGO!" I said. I'm mexican so I know spanish. "We have to talk to the president and use his clone machine to make a copy of alice and make her kill billy black!"

"You got it Hayley" Edward said with a crooked smile. As we walked out I accidentally fell ( A/N: LOL). James and Edward helped me up with a laugh and we went to the white house. 


	19. Vampire

Ok this chappy is like really good!

It's long but cool!

Edward had connections with the mafia so we went in the white house just like guests.

I was dressed like Paris Hilton, except not really because I am not a whore and she is.

I'm even a virgin!

Suddenly we got lost in the rooms of the white house. I panicked and was having an asthma attack

( A/n: Mary sue's don't have asthmas do they?) and James took my shirt off to do CPR on me.

Edward watched all sexy and started stroking a fat black boy came out.

It was Corey from corey in the house!

"Yo, yo, yo how's this hot mamma doing in my hizz-house?" he asked me in ghetto language, because

he is black.

"I'm good now." i said, pushing james away. I'm an independent woman! "Do you know where the prezz is

you home skillin' biscuit?"I had to talk ghetto because blacks don't get normal talk.

"Yeah mamasita, follow me crew! in the hood we do it this way." and he led us down this hall.

we got to the round office. Michelle obama was there crying. i asked her what was wrong.

"well girlfriend, this white boy he came round stirring up shit and he said he was gonna

blow a cap in my sugar daddy's head!"

"Oh my, It's Jasper!" Edward exclaimed. James nodded in agreement.

We had to hurry.

"Be strong GIRL!" I told her."Don't follow us. If you wait here I'll buy you some chicken and

cool-aid, okay?"

"Fo shizzle!" she said, savoring the thought.

We turned into bats and flew up to the roof. Jasper was there and he was pointing a gun at

Obama!

"Help me! Help me!" he yelled. "Before this white bitch leaves me like Fitty Cent!"

"Watch that mouth, chocolate milk!" Jasper , I had an idea.

"Jasper look!" I said pointing at his back."White supremacists!"

Jasper turned around excited, but then i jumped and pushed obama out of the way.

I was in the clear except that Alice appeared!

"Edward!" I yelled, because Edward and James were destracted by Cory who was teaching them the soulja boy

crank dance (something black ppl do). edward heard me and took out his bow and shot Alice through the heart.

Jasper got mad...

"HAYLEY YOU HAVE ANGERED ME ENOUGH YOU BRAT!"

So then he shot a magic bullet in my way!

But i reflected the bullet and he got hit. He was running around crying until he fell.

Then Lacey appeared!

"You..." I said, getting emotional.

"Save it, godlover!" she said. Suddenly she took off her hat and took out her cellphone!

I took out my banjo and started playing Jesus loves me and her blackness and uglyness melted away!

"OH NO WHAT THE HELL WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE BECAUSE I WAS POSSESSED BY THE VULTURI!" she screamed.

"AND THEY ARE GOING TO KILL CARLILE!"

"What?" I asked. "How do you know?"

"I have visions of the future" she said wisely (A/N: visions are sort of like little previews of

movies and stuff in your head). "They are going to kill them because Carlile turned into a werewolf!"

"And where's my daddy?" asked Edward. He loved Carlile but not like a homo, ok?

"In a little town called MEXICO."

"Edward knows spanish" I said. When i had edward in spanish class we were always speaking it. He was hardcore!

Actually, no, but he sounded like antonio banderas when he spoke in ESPANOLE!

"Well, yea, know it all" Heavenly said madly in love with him."But just in case I brought a friend with me..."

she said as she revealed a short, pretty woman with long hair and boobs came out.

She was dressed in a red cock(Ha ha)tail dress and she was eating an apple.

She looked alot like mary magdalene, and was blasting linkin park songs out of her vampire ipod (basically

it runs on blood not batteries).

"Meet Stephany Myer."

We were all speechless.

Like, without words.

Our mouths were dropped open!

She had written some really popular books (get it?)

"Hi guys!" she said in her mormon manner. "I think I'll get to know you pretty well!"

Ok this chappy is like really good!

It's long but cool!

Edward had connections with the mafia so we went in the white house just like guests.

I was dressed like Paris Hilton, except not really because I am not a whore and she is.

I'm even a virgin!

Suddenly we got lost in the rooms of the white house. I panicked and was having an asthma attack

( A/n: Mary sue's don't have asthmas do they?) and James took my shirt off to do CPR on me.

Edward watched all sexy and started stroking a fat black boy came out.

It was Corey from corey in the house!

"Yo, yo, yo how's this hot mamma doing in my hizz-house?" he asked me in ghetto language, because

he is black.

"I'm good now." i said, pushing james away. I'm an independent woman! "Do you know where the prezz is

you home skillin' biscuit?"I had to talk ghetto because blacks don't get normal talk.

"Yeah mamasita, follow me crew! in the hood we do it this way." and he led us down this hall.

we got to the round office. Michelle obama was there crying. i asked her what was wrong.

"well girlfriend, this white boy he came round stirring up shit and he said he was gonna

blow a cap in my sugar daddy's head!"

"Oh my, It's Jasper!" Edward exclaimed. James nodded in agreement.

We had to hurry.

"Be strong GIRL!" I told her."Don't follow us. If you wait here I'll buy you some chicken and

cool-aid, okay?"

"Fo shizzle!" she said, savoring the thought.

We turned into bats and flew up to the roof. Jasper was there and he was pointing a gun at

Obama!

"Help me! Help me!" he yelled. "Before this white bitch leaves me like Fitty Cent!"

"Watch that mouth, chocolate milk!" Jasper , I had an idea.

"Jasper look!" I said pointing at his back."White supremacists!"

Jasper turned around excited, but then i jumped and pushed obama out of the way.

I was in the clear except that Alice appeared!

"Edward!" I yelled, because Edward and James were destracted by Cory who was teaching them the soulja boy

crank dance (something black ppl do). edward heard me and took out his bow and shot Alice through the heart.

Jasper got mad...

"HAYLEY YOU HAVE ANGERED ME ENOUGH YOU BRAT!"

So then he shot a magic bullet in my way!

But i reflected the bullet and he got hit. He was running around crying until he fell.

Then Lacey appeared!

"You..." I said, getting emotional.

"Save it, godlover!" she said. Suddenly she took off her hat and took out her cellphone!

I took out my banjo and started playing Jesus loves me and her blackness and uglyness melted away!

"OH NO WHAT THE HELL WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE BECAUSE I WAS POSSESSED BY THE VULTURI!" she screamed.

"AND THEY ARE GOING TO KILL CARLILE!"

"What?" I asked. "How do you know?"

"I have visions of the future" she said wisely (A/N: visions are sort of like little previews of

movies and stuff in your head). "They are going to kill them because Carlile turned into a werewolf!"

"And where's my daddy?" asked Edward. He loved Carlile but not like a homo, ok?

"In a little town called MEXICO."

"Edward knows spanish" I said. When i had edward in spanish class we were always speaking it. He was hardcore!

Actually, no, but he sounded like antonio banderas when he spoke in ESPANOLE!

"Well, yea, know it all" Heavenly said madly in love with him."But just in case I brought a friend with me..."

she said as she revealed a short, pretty woman with long hair and boobs came out.

She was dressed in a red cock(Ha ha)tail dress and she was eating an apple.

She looked alot like mary magdalene, and was blasting linkin park songs out of her vampire ipod (basically

it runs on blood not batteries).

"Meet Stephany Myer."

We were all speechless.

Like, without words.

Our mouths were dropped open!

She had written some really popular books (get it?)

"Hi guys!" she said in her mormon manner. "I think I'll get to know you pretty well!"


End file.
